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garfunkel & oates – handjob, blandjob, i don’t understand job كلمات اغاني

[intro]
handjob, blandjob, i don’t understand job

[verse 1]
[garfunkel]
i’ve got a problem and i can’t contain it
i’ll use my icky-sticky rhymes to help me explain it
handy js are like stonehenge to me
robert stack can’t even unsolve this mystery

[oates]
i’m the messed up child of a baby boomer
i was in the gifted cl-ss but a total late bloomer
now i got a secret to get off my chest
went from kissing to s-x but never learned the rest

[garfunkel]
in high school, i was in the marching band
not learning what to do with my hand
while other girls were dripping like a jackson pollock
i blossomed later than mayim bialik

[oates]
i’m investigating bones like deschanel
trying to make it stand up like dave chappelle
when i stare down the barrel of a semi-hard d-ck
i feel more singled out than chris hardwick

[garfunkel]
i studied bach, jacques chirac, and isaac asimov
but i wasn’t on the ski bus jerking people off
wouldn’t let you touch my chest like you’re vaporubbing vicks in
let alone deep throat your tricky d-ck nixon

[oates]
i wanna learn how to make your watergates flow
i’m resigned like spiro agnew that i might never know
how to hj your l.b. johnson
know less about d-cks than samantha ronson

[garfunkel]
i should’ve explored new frontiers like wil wheaton
but i was more conservative than alex p. keaton
i’ve fallen into crisis just like the dow
i wanna give a handjob but i don’t know how

[chorus]
handjob, blandjob, i don’t understand job
do i spit, do i squeeze, do i ever touch the top?
how can i learn when you always make me stop?

[verse 2]
[oates]
now i’m on a full-blown investigation
to unlock the secrets of ej-cul-tion
i need a translator like i’m reading balzac
to crack the rosetta stone over your ball sack

[garfunkel]
the top is the part that confuses me the most
it looks like a silly putty pac-man ghost
sometimes it’s jello jiggling, sometimes it’s denser
but they all look like a darth vader pez dispenser

[oates]
like sam jackson, i’m not as good with shaft
when it’s soft and flabby like president taft
it’s like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight
will i make it upright if i move it like a shake weight?

[both]
move it like a shake weight
move it like a shake weight

[garfunkel]
now i’m pumping like brakes that aren’t anti-lock
trying not to go psycho on your alfred hitchc-ck
i go a little faster and then i r-t-rd
it’s like a hamster that you don’t wanna squeeze too hard

[oates]
i’m working my hand ’til it gets arthritis
i’ll be holdin’ ’til i get the golden touch of midas
“i think, therefore i am,” getting my descartes on
’til i fully comprehend your marcia g-y hard-on

[garfunkel]
but the biggest, throbbing question all’s
seriously, what do you do with the b-lls?
do i roll ’em like dice, do i mold them like clay
do i tickle ’em like elmo, or throw ’em like a partay?

[oates]
do i move ’em all around or cup it slow?
they’re the two bald critic puppets from the muppet show
just sitting there cranky and superfluous

[both]
how ’bout i don’t touch them unless you insist?

[chorus]
handjob, blandjob, i don’t understand job
do i spit, do i squeeze, do i ever touch the top?
how can i learn when you always make me stop?

[outro]
how can i learn when you always make me stop?

- garfunkel oates

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