chivalery – out of my head كلمات اغاني
[verse]
yeah
i’m stuck up all night again
i mean it’s great cus i can work in
but my mind is playing tricks on me
last year i almost started beef, (what?)
this insomnia thing is pretty bitter sweet
hang on, something’s off with this bed
excuse me while i change the sheets
yeah
this insomnia thing is pretty bittersweet
it comes to me when i try and sleep
it makes me think of all my negative memories
all i regret, thoughts of all the sh_t people have said to me
i’m stuck being driven by own demons
breaking down 7 days a week
this is just parts of my own bitter reality
i know it’s sad to see
f_ck, honestly
i’m just tryna stay out of my head
put my mind to bed
lately i’ve been seeing red
doc says i need some meds
it’ll clear my head
but k!lling my a.d.h.d is something i might dread
cus that sh_t drives my pen
but at the same time f_cks with my friends
ocd attacking every lyric i write
tryna calm it, maybe make amends
only way i’ve found is to be faded
take a big hit, sh_t
got another headache
feeling nauseous, throwing up
doesn’t matter to me as long as i’m out of it
i’m done tryna overpower it
i just wanna get out of my head
while i’m in it
i wanna say that that i’m driven
but my mind says i ain’t going the distance
i hate how i’m living
but will i change it?
will i grow enough strength to erase it?
i keep saying i will but then i embrace it
my mind is being played with
from all these demons i play with
i hope one day that the name chivalery won’t be a myth
but who knows how far i’ll make it in this b_tch
constantly overthink about how many people might rip
on my name, talking sh_t
against my neck is a scythe
with my hand on it
and i’m just being honest
i’m not proud of who i was last august
i’m not proud of those products
but i’m back like i promised
better than before
i don’t mean to be modest
but compared to two years ago i’m flawless
and i’m feeling awesome
but i still have these demons i gotta demolish
and fighting them i have to be cautious
i’ve gained the strength to do so
they still can f_ck with my mental saying that i prolly won’t blow
but there’s no lengths that i won’t go
even if i have to follow my own shadow
f_ck, i’ll even rap off tempo
even though my mind ain’t a mansion
it’s just a bunch of empty roads
bunch of buildings with broken boards
i love to walk it, but i want to walk the real world
so i guess let’s take a peek at it
yeah
just went to new york
came home to an eviction
not even a note on the door
d_mn
sh_t was more painful than a cold sore
but they aren’t family no more
that relationship died like nevermore
furthermore
i’ve been stuck at work
writing raps on receipts
then get home to try and find a h3 beat
while basically living on the streets
trying to make ends meet
hoping soon that the fire will cease
and soon be at peace
while i’m saying “f_ck 2019.”
but this ain’t a kamikaze
and i ain’t no bobby
but will i let that stop me?
will i let it let down my posse?
just cus my story’s been rocky?
feeling like i’m not the jokey
but
i guess i saw who really cares about me
the day i dropped relapse ep
seeing a bunch of names come up on my phone
there was calls and texts from my fam back home
cus everything they heard, i guess they didn’t know
that i wanted to die slow
but now i’d rather die like van gogh
and now i have hope
but i still wanna stay out of my head
get back the lines the demons shred
cus of them i’ve been mislead
cus of them i feel like i’m misread
but i know i’ve been bred
for this
so why should i dread
all the blood i’ve bled?
cus that made me
to these demons i’m done taking a f_cking knee
this is the only way you’ll see
that i’m more than a motha f_cka that raps cr_pily
that the apple fell far from the tree
cus i’m different from my family
maybe that’s way lately i’ve been distant
but i’m done with that bull sh_t
yeah
but now i’m just gonna let the beat flow
yeah
all these sins i’ve done, all these sins i act
i know it’s d_mnable, but i’m done letting my demons be maximal
tj knows i’m capable, yet i always say “to think that way is radical.”
last year i just wanted to submit
people rappin’ calling me counterfeit
i thought “that’s it i’m done, that’s all, i quit!”
but see, i’m not real, i’m not an outcast
i’m not a misfit, i’m not that witty
i’m not even a castaway
i’m me and that’s all i want to be
so rest in peace to all the ones before me
i’m now 2 months clean and i’m the strongest i’ve ever been
so thank you to the fam for sticking with me
this is no longer a dream, this is no longer fantasy
you know why?
because this is me
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