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zaddy drizzle - am i a mistake كلمات أغنية

[verse 1]
at 14 was a feeling that lived under my skin
like a coat i couldn’t shake
like someone’s saying i don’t fit
at 16, i tried to end it
i woke up in a hospital room
my dad looking like he’d been punched
people said i did it for
attention. maybe part of me did
part of me wanted someone to see the hole
but it wasn’t acting
i really felt like i didn’t belong here
17, i started chasing pills and smoking
anything that quieted that voice
it helped at first
like putting a blanket over the noise
but it made mе do dumb sh_t
missed classes, missed chancеs
i dropped out doors
i didn’t even know were close slam shut
i kept asking who i was
and the answer kept getting smaller

[pre_chorus]
i thought moving would fix it
moving felt like trying a new shirt
it never fit right
[chorus]
am i a mistake? say my name
like it’s not a lie
am i a mistake? tell me why
i still feel like i don’t belong
am i a mistake if i am?
tell me where to hide the shame
am i a mistake?
or am i somebody that just forgot how to stay?

[verse 2]
my mom pulled me out
said, “come live with me”
she tried to save me
i move cities
thinking new walls would mean new rules
the old habits came with me like bad luggage
i’m with friends who were broken, too
we’d laugh until we couldn’t feel anything
and then chase the high again
a year passed and my mom begged me to quit
she wouldn’t stop asking
i stopped for a bit, clean enough to breathe
then i met her
the first time i felt sort of okay
she had a kid already. and that made me nervous
but we talked for hours
like we’ve been missing parts
for the first time in a long time
i smiled and it wasn’t fake
we moved in together
i stopped the drugs
because i wanted something real with her
those two years were the best i had
like sunlight through a crack
i actually believed i could be worth keeping
but the old hollow was still there
tucked in the corner
whispering that i didn’t deserve it
i messed up. i was young and scared
and i let the doubt make choices for me
we broke up i begged, i bought flowers
i became small and hungry for love
like she had a chain and i let it clip on
she played me. i don’t blame her
i blame the boy in me
who never learned how to be strong
[pre_chorus]
i wandered back to what i knew
the bottle, the needle, the easy escape
trying to lose the man i was
that hurt people i love

[chorus]
am i a mistake? say my name
like it’s not a lie
am i a mistake? tell me why
i still feel like i don’t belong
am i a mistake? if i am
tell me where to hide the shame
am i a mistake
or am i somebody that just forgot how to stay?

[verse 3]
i tried to k!ll myself again
people shook their heads
my dad grabbed me. he’s a hard mess
strict. the kind that makes you straighten up
whether you want to or not
he took me with him
and pushed me into a sober life like a drill sergeant
it worked. i cleaned up
i’m grateful i did
because i don’t know where i’d be
but the hate for life stuck
like i’m under a shoe
i worked and showed up on the outside
i was doing the right things
inside it was blank
then another girl, another loud fight
another mess we fought from day one
and still had kids who small reason
to keep on breathing
she wasn’t good with then she hurt them all
then she should always split
and i fought a court like a man with no cape
i won custody. now the kids are with me full time
the price and the punishment all at once
i love them so much it hurts
but i still wake up thinking i’m not enough
not enough money, not enough time, not enough patience
no one calls me at night
i cook, i clean. i do the small impossible things
i lie when people ask how i’m doing
i say i’m fine so much
i almost start to believe it
but the dark thoughts come like weather
predictable and cruel
my kids are the only reason i haven’t gone
they’re the lines i don’t cross
the fingers i hold till the end
i don’t have answers
i have a history of mistakes
and one after another
i try to patch myself
i tell the kids stories
i put them to bed
i wake up and do it all again
sometimes i think being here is punishment
sometimes i think it’s the only thing
keeping me from being nothing

[outro]
it’s confusing, it’s loud
most days it’s just heavy

- zaddy drizzle

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