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tom cardy - perception check lyrics

[spoken, dm, unnamed guy, steve, tom]
on the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. what do you do?
my half_orc barbarian braces her greathammer and_ that’s a one
critical fail. steve, what do you do?
well, i believe in antic_p_tion, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree_ okay, i rolled a one
that’s another critical fail. tom, what does your human bard do?
active perception check
…that’s a natural 20
let’s f_cking go

[verse 1]
i feel it in my fingers
i feel it in my toes
these m_th_f_ckas mean to harm us
and they got to go
so come on, get ’em now!
you picked the wrong day to f_ck around with my
tight crew
there’s no escaping it
i can perceive you
here’s what we’re gonna do
me and ma boys gonna mess you up

[spoken, unnamed guy, steve]
i rolled a one
i rolled a one
[verse 2]
f_ck
my boys are otherwise engaged
so i’m gonna bring it all myself

[spoken, tom, dm]
hey, i forgot, you’re supposed to tell me what i see, right?
yes, thank you. let’s just slow it all down a bit. so, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter_
i cast vicious mockery, nat 20, let’s go

[verse 3]
you’re a short m_th_f_cka
and n0body likes you
short!
everybody says “look how f_cking short that guy is”
and that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
when you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head
but then the doctor said
“wait, this stupid m_th_f_ckin’ tiny short ass baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and i hate it”

[spoken, dm, tom]
your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. perception check, please
nat 20, let’s go!
you perceive the figure was so short because it was a child
it’s always a kid
specifically the child you’ve been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives
okay, i’m sorry, i didn’t know, i’ll be better. his body’s just lying there, right? right?
yes…? don’t_
[verse 4]
loot that body
gotta loot that body now
loot that body!
gotta loot that m_th_f_cka!
play my flute when i loot that dead kid’s body
b_tch

- tom cardy

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