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the tommy lasorda experience - number blocked by every pizza joint lyrics

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tell the order taker
a rival pizza place is on the other line
and you’re going with the lowest bidder
give them your address
say just surprise me
and hang up
try asking if you can rent a pizza

make a list of exotic cuisines
and order them as toppings
when they repeat back your order
start to cry and ask
do you know what it’s like
to be lied to?

ask if they have any idea
what is at stake with this pizza
ask what topping goes best
with a twenty year old scotch
belch directly into the phone
and then tell your dog he should be ashamed

psycho_n_lyze the order taker
order two toppings, then say
“no, they’ll start fighting.”
call to complain about the service
later, call back to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it
ask if the pizza is organically grown
ask about pizza maintenance and repair
avoid saying the word pizza at all costs
if they say it, yell
“please don’t mention that word.”

start the conversation by reciting today’s date
and saying, “this may be my last entry.”
give your order and say that’s as far
as this relationship is going to go

when listing toppings you want on your pizza
include another pizza
while they’re taking your order
ask if you can put them on hold

be sure to ask for extra mushrooms
make the last thing you say is
“no mushrooms, ok?”
then hang up before they have a chance to respond

when the order is repeated, change it slightly
when it is repeated again, change it again
on the third time, say
“you just don’t get it, do you?”
order a one_inch pizza
order term life insurance
offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging

if they suggest a side order
ask why they are punishing you
when they say “will that be all?”
laugh and say “we’ll find out, won’t we?”

come on, last guy let me do it

- the tommy lasorda experience

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