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the finer points - incelebration lyrics

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incelebration lyrics
hey, heard you were a lobster boy

i didn’t cry at all on the day i was born
so the midwife wouldn’t spank me

i taught myself through potty training
so mommy wouldn’t twist my titties

i won first place in the science fair
so dad wouldn’t beat the sh_t out of me

i didn’t pop a b_n_r during my presentation (good idea)
so my teacher wouldn’t beat the sh_t out of me

i got a perfect score on my sats
so my tutor wouldn’t beat the sh_t out of me

i graduated college, valedictorian
so dean daddy (dean daddy?) wouldn’t whack my hands with a ball_peen (dean daddy!)

i got a 401k by the age of 30
so my financial advisor wouldn’t chisel my t__th

i got a nicе house with a low interest mortgagе
so my wife wouldn’t rip off my fingernails with pliers
i didn’t cry when my wife gave birth
so the baby’s father wouldn’t slice my nipples

i paid for my kid’s college tuition
so my kids wouldn’t replace my eye drops with drain cleaner

i bought $2000 of christmas gifts
so my grandson wouldn’t cut the brakes on my mobility scooter

n0body came to my funeral
so n0body beat the sh_t out of me

(f_ck you, dad!)

- the finer points

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