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steven wright - shopping carts lyrics

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when i go to the grocery store and i see a guy pushing 30 shopping carts across the parking lot, sometimes i say, “you know, somebody else might wanna use one of those!”

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last time i went to the grocery store, i caused a lot of commotion ’cause i tried to buy that thing at the register that separates your food from the other guy’s

“no, i need this! you don’t know what it’s like where i live!”

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i went into a store and i asked a woman if she had anything to put underneath the coasters

i told ’em, “my coasters are marking up my tables.”

the woman started crying

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then i went over to another store and i asked ’em if they had any maps that weren’t aerial views

that guy was weeping openly

then i said to him, “is the blue the sky or the water?”

and he said, “just get out of my store!”
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when i was little, my grandmother said, “steven, come over here!”

i said, “what do you mean?”

she said, “you know, you’re over there. now come over here.”

she said, “here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that i’m giving this to you.”

i said, “it’ll cost you more than that.”

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i remember when i was a fetus, i used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping

i thought to myself, “you know, now’s the time i should start stealing some stuff. now that i don’t have any fingerprints.”

- steven wright

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