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original cast of gutenberg! the musical - prologue/schlimmer lyrics
[bud, spoken]
prologue
the lights rise on the squalid, stinky bedroom of a friend of gutenberg
[doug, spoken]
the roof is made of dirty thatch!
in the corner, there are rats, gnawing in stinky cheese
and lying absolutely still in the center of the room…
without moving…
is a dead baby!
[bud, spoken]
gutenberg’s friend and the doctor examine the dead baby
[doug (as doctor), spoken]
well, we did all we could
i’m afraid your baby… is dead
[bud (as gutenberg’s friend), spoken]
but i gave him this medicine!
[doug (as doctor), spoken]
them ain’t medicine
them’s jelly beans
[bud (as gutenberg’s friend), spoken]
jelly beans?!
but…
[doug (as doctor), spoken]
if only you could read…
see ya
[bud (as gutenberg’s friend)]
jelly beans, not medicine
if only i could read;
my son, he wouldn’t need… an elegy
stupid beans! not medicine!
oh god, here in this jar…
i can’t read what these are
d_mned jelly beans!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
h_llo friend
is there anything johan gutenberg can do?
[bud (as gutenberg’s friend), spoken]
shut up!
[doug, spoken]
friend of gutenberg sobs like a woman
he cradles his dead baby in his illiterate arms
blackout!
act i, scene 1
schlimmer, germany
a german town, full of german things
like feet and short pants
gutenberg walks down the dark streets of this medieval burg
and encounters a woman and her daughter on their way to market
they’re carryin’ kraut
sauerkraut!
[bud (as woman #1), spoken]
oh good morning, mr. gutenberg!
[doug (as gutenberg), spoken]
call me johan! johan gutenberg!
[bud (as daughter), spoken]
h_llo mr. butengerg!
[doug (as gutenberg), spoken]
it’s gutenberg!
how are you today, little girl?!
[bud (as daughter), spoken]
as happy as i can be… considering i can’t read
[doug, spoken]
another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
she dumps her stinky chamber pot
and suddenly, the town of schlimmer is alive
not alive like a monster
but alive like a town!
[bud (as woman #1)]
it’s nice to live in medieval germany
in the beautiful town of schlimmer!
we all get along in perfect harmony!
[doug (as beef fat trimmer)]
i’m a beef fat trimmer!
[bud (as woman #1)]
hey!
[doug (as beef fat trimmer)]
the beef comes in all white with fat
it leaves a good bit slimmer
[both (as drunk #1 and drunk #2)]
we’re just drunks comin’ home from the bar
in the beautiful town of schlimmer!
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
hey, gutenberg, ya got any wine?!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
yeah! you’re the wine presser! tell us where the wine is!
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
is it over ‘ere?
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
it’s not over ‘ere!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
hey, hey fellas! my wine isn’t the answer to all your problems!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
oh yes it is!
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
it’s not like we can read!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
i can’t read!
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
gutenberg, let’s have some fun!
[both (as drunk #1 and drunk #2)]
gutenberg!
darn tootin’_berg
he’s the back chap around
well, at least in this town
sure as shootin’_berg
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
call me johan!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
oh, that gutenberg!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
johan!
[bud (as boot plaque)]
gutenberg!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
hey, it’s the boot plaque!
[bud (as boot plaque)]
shine your boot_enberg!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
sure boot plaque!
[bud (as boot plaque)]
you’re a man in his prime
making friends all the time
no refutin’_berg
(spoken)
ten ducats!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
hey hey hey!
[bud (as boot plaque), spoken]
oh gutenberg, ho ho ho!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
okay now fellas
i gotta be gettin’ back to my wine press shop
don’t you guys have anything to do?
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
no!
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
it’s not like we can read!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
you can’t read!
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
you can’t read!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
well, wh_ what are you going to…
[doug (as drunk #1), spoken]
gah ah ah ah ah!
[bud (as drunk #2), spoken]
oh shut up!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), spoken]
oh, come on guys, let’s not fight!
here, i’ll buy you a flower from that anti_semitic flower girl!
[bud (as flower girl)]
here’s a posey you can wear on your lapel
i stole it from a jew
he cried and he fought and i sent him straight to h_ll
so now it belongs to you!
[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
ooh, schlimmer!
my lovely schlimmer!
you are the best darn town in germany!
[bud (as boot plaque)]
gutenberg!
[doug (as beef fat trimmer)]
gutenberg!
[bud (as flower girl)]
gutenberg!
[both (as drunk #1 and drunk #2)]
gutenbar_ar_ar_argh!
[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
i’m the pride of schlimmer
[bud (as boot plaque)]
he’s the pride of schlimmer!
[doug (as johan gutenberg), overlapping]
i’m the cremé de la creméer
[both (as johan gutenberg and flower girl)]
he’s/i’m the pride of schlimmer!
[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
i’m the cremé de la creméer
[bud (as drunk #2), overlapping]
he’s the pride of schlimmer!
[doug (as johan gutenberg)]
i am_
[both (as all)]
gutenberg!
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