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nomrah - midnight on miflin road كلمات الأغنية

[intro]
yo
got uh, the shure sm58 plugged in
uh, just doin’ this in the room in the studio instead of in the booth
just holding the mic, i uh
i guess i wanted to just write something personal and
see where it takes me
so uh, ahem
here we go

[verse 1]
age 12, saw my mom get cornered in the pantry
uncle feelin’ up her thighs, he’s sure to put them hands deep
up between her legs, i think i know what’s comin’ next
dad and pops were outside and i was frozen with my breath
thank god she pushed ‘em off, he’s lookin’ like he’s lost
he thinks he won this f_ckin game, he used you as his p_wn
father didn’t believe you, thought the story was deceitful
wasn’t ‘til years and years later that he would see through
his toxic haze and all mistakes he made up ‘til now
i thought at that point, he was changin’, like, “wow
dad’s home for lunch, we’re playin’ video games
he’s not here gettin’ drunk to call you all them names”
you kicked his ass out, made him move back with grandpa
one too many drunk fights, plus the uncle issue
i saw right through his plan just like a diorama
crying to my therapist until i’m out of tissues
his plan to weave his way into your heart was simple
act like he’s truly sorry for acting scarred and sinful
then about a month later once the issue’s resolved
show your true colors, ‘cuz you didn’t change at all
i thought a happy family may be in sight
but i don’t think i’ll ever be right
[pause 1]
at least not in that regard
f_ck
listen

[verse 2]
right on back to the drinkin’, back to the fighting
at this point i’m starting high school, strugglin’ in science
keep my head down, man i f_ckin’ feel tired
from all my male role models clutchin’ to violence
s_xuality in question, who the f_ck am i?
i hope that i can turn to you for comfort or a plan, right?
oh right, i’m sorry, we were never really close
you seem to think you gave me everything, well that’s a hoax
i appreciate the things you provide for us financially
but that just don’t excuse all the things that i was there to see
you put your hands on my f_ckin’ momma, almost me too
had to call 911 to get them to speed through
part of me’s happy that i don’t have your dna
and part of me regrets even taking your last name
flipping it backwards and now it’s my artist name
that represents flipping a curse around for the right thing
and on the topic of names, i’d like to discuss one
a brother i don’t talk about, i’m keepin’ him unsung
got kicked out for sellin’ drugs as soon you were 18
mom could’ve lost us, man, i thought we were same team
addicted to toxicity, it fits you best
you’re never reaching out lately, except for checks
you’re throwing your life away ‘cuz you’re f_ckin’ complacent
and didn’t have the drive to take a step out of those dangers
i prayed for you until my f_ckin’ faith was gone
i stayed with you and had your back even when you were f_ckin’ wrong
i hoped that you would man up and be the brother i needed
but all of you f_ckin’ failed, so now i feel depleted
[pause 2]
you abandoned me
dad traumatized me
and my biological father left me
and went and had two other kids with a new family
so i have two half_siblings who i may never meet
and ya know what?
you knew that
and you still refused to be a brother to me

[verse 3]
despite my anger, i can’t really say i hate you, though
although i wish i could, i feel like our pain’s relatable
both our dads were abusive, both were alcoholics
both made us feel like we’d never be enough regardless
i turned to art for therapy, you turned to the pills
turned to the hard drugs that are k!llin’ you still
we both have our own vices and ways that we cope now
but i just really f_ckin’ wish you picked a different road to go down
and to my dad, i hope you know this song isn’t meant to slander you
music is my therapy, so that means i need to stand for truth
and not bullsh_t a single thing i say when i feel it
i hope one day you’ll change and feel happy with fulfillment
i know you have traumas that we ain’t ever talked about
repressed emotions caused by the things that you’re now blockin’ out
i know it’s not easy to open up about your struggles
i hope one day you’ll come to me, we’ll be real with each other
and to my biological father, i hope you’re doing well
i hope your acting career is amazing and you excel
and if one day the time comes where we will finally meet
i hope that you’ll explain to me why you went to leave
nothing can forgive the pain you put my momma through
that woman is my f_ckin’ rock, that credit’s overdue
but i’d be willing to talk to you if you’d give me a chance
and maybe i’ll forgive you for not being a man
i don’t want this letter to come across like i’m bitter
my life ain’t never been better, through dark and stormier weather
i just finally felt the time was right to talk about this
i hope this message humbles the ego of those with prowess
[outro]
if you three ever end up hearing this
just know my heart has no malice whatsoever
this is me expressing my hurt
my pain
my anger
through my art
communicating, like i learned how to do through therapy
expressing the ways in which i felt like i was let down as a child
and ways i wish my childhood was better
healthier
more nourishing
more nurturing
and the saddest part is i know i’m not the only one
i know i’m not the only one who’s dealt with these things
i just wish that all of the male role models in my life
most of which failed me
would take responsibility for the ways their own trauma
the lack of resolution of those traumas
and the toxic masculinity plaguing the brains of so many men
may have negatively impacted my growth and maturing as a human being
as a spirit seeking growth, evolution, and enlightenment
midnight on miflin road

[morse code]
(i finally learned to breathe once you came into my life)

- nomrah

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