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monty python - witch burning lyrics

– we have found a witch. may we burn her?
– burn her!
– how do you know she is a witch?
– she looks like one
– bring her forward
– i am not a witch
– but you are dressed as one
– they dressed me up like this
– we didn’t!
– and this isn’t my nose. it’s a false one
– well?
– well, we did do the nose
– the nose?
– and the hat. but she is a witch
– burn her!
– did you dress her up like this?
– no
– yes
– yes, a bit. she has got a wart
– what makes you think she is a witch?
– well, she turned me into a newt
– a newt?
– i got better
– burn her anyway
– burn her!
– quiet! there are ways of telling whether she is a witch
– are there? what are they? tell us
– tell me, what do you do with witches?
– burn them!
– what do you burn apart from witches?
– more witches!
– wood
– so, why do witches burn?
– ’cause they’re made of wood?
– good!
– so, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
– build a bridge out of her
– can you not also make bridges of stone?
– oh, yeah
– does wood sink in water?
– no
– it floats
– throw her into the pond!
– what also floats in water?
– bread
– apples
– very small rocks
– cider
– cherries
– gravy
– mud
– churches
– lead
– a duck!
– exactly
so, logically…
– if she weighs the same as a duck…
she’s made of wood
– and, therefore…
– a witch!
– a witch!

- monty python

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