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lllandstm - unreleased monologue lyrics
and i’m manic in the night
f_ck trying to think i can’t think cuz there”s screaming in my mind
get out of my head there was nothing in my head
i sit inside of my regret
who is behind my movements
i think i need a doctor all i do is forget
all i do is forgot
but i don’t have to regret
didn’t know the journey but i think i’m walking it
to put my life together i’m just pieces in a pit
i burn inside the pit
by the way i hate you b_tch
i’m manic in the night i want to make love to my cabinet
you’re my cabinet
look me in the eyes
i don’t want you to cry
oh fine please cry
i liek the way you cry
i hate the way you lied
now you”re stuck inside my life
let me abuse just one time
look at what you did to me
i couldn’t even cry
i bang my head against the wall i didn’t know
it made them like _ me
god please show me light
if you do not want me to die…
i can’t really tell i know it doesn’t matter if i do not know much
but i’m getting lost in thought
i don’t know what really to say
can you hear the voice inside of my head
what i imaginate
please let me be your canvas
of blood and spit and lipstick
i’m on the street again
neighbors look at me like who is it
you couldn’t even see my face
if i can’t even see my face
i look up in the mirror i can’t recognize this place
my family’s disgrace
but they don’t really see me anyway
don’t mess up your last chance
there must be truth in these religions
so i’m back to here again
my pupils expanden
f_ck it take this acid i’ll just go insane again
cuz i doubt my own d_mn head
you made me doubt my head
i didn’t listen to my mom i just f_cking went ahead
i should have played with clay
playdough on the walls
crayons in my skin
blood marks on my skin
itch the healing off
blood all o nthe floors
think it’s hardwood floors
i f_cking need you back
i need to learn my love
i was just way too young
curiosity k!lled the cat
that’s how people die
they make those accidents
i think i made those accidents
i won”t ever record this sh_t
too many people in my house
can’t even trust my own actions
come get me out
i’m all f_cking alone
i’m in antarctica
i think i might be bipolar but i think that’s all a scam
do they want all our money
push your lies inside my head
and from there i f_cking cram
i lose it and i overreact
i go way too far wih it
every illness i nthe book
n0boy is f_cking perfect
i don’t see this world is real
i don’t know all my impact
i can barely f_cking feel
i can’t touch the walls around me
cuz they remind me off you
they remind me of your body
they remind me of your smell
this house is a video game
in like 2000 and 12
i see the xbox logo
look at me and laugh at me as a i struggle
and now p_ssy wants to fight
would i be cool if i won the fight
would i have love from everyone
to hate myself and live in 1
f_ck this whole world full of disorders
dimentia plagues me like a b_tch
i can’t be demennted
i need some help i hope it is
life was never real since
i think that’s just really how it is
i think i’m losing all my words
i’m only gaining brain damage
send me right back to hrosham
i’ll be out the next d_mn day
so many familiar faces but i can’t tell they’ve gone away
i’m just a f_cking piece of filth
corroding in your f_cking house
make my way in to your life, f_ck it up, then dis a pate right back out
demons inside of my mind
possess me to think these thoughts
i could prove it right to you
but it’s not f_cking 2 o clock
who am i even talking to
do you know i wrote like 300 of these too???
but i can’t f_cking recording this sh_t because i simply don’t f_cking care
i can’t remember anyway
i don’t know how to react in the first place
plus like everybody’s here
i just wis hthey went away
when i’m alone i”m not happy
i’m so f_cking bored come take me away
i feel good when i stimulate
stuck inside a mental prison so i can’t tell you my name
but if you see me out i’m cool
i promise you im okay
wait you didnt even ask
you just like me for my face
f_ck it i might punch my face
go ahead f_cking judge me mane
go ahead judge me for my actions
wonder how your life has been
are you f_cking happy now
i just f_cking k!lle dmyself
do it on ig live
so you can laugh and postit now
so you can laugh at post it now (scream)
so you can laugh and post it nowwww
f_cking laugh into my faceee
f_cking humilate meee
humiliate everything about me
im not happy one f_cking bit
i’d rather show your face my d_ck
and cram it in your f_cking eye
is this my urge just let me die
am i possed by those i love
am i possesed by those i love
escaoe my heart it’s beating fast
i can listen to this loop for f_cking hours
i feel the worst when i’m in class
i’m panicking when i show up to this school
i panick at the smell of chemicals
don’t give me cancer help me god
is it planning my f_cking loss
i need to be someone beore it’s gone
i need to make my momma proud
my momma hates me either way
don’t talk that sh_t on my f_cking name
i don’t know who she is anymore
my dad is lying right to my face
maybe no one here is d_mn real
i think i was abducted by something
and placed in a surreal world
when it’s winter it’s not even real
how many times have i said this sh_t
i told your ass im losing words
remember all those beautiful words
well f_ck them now i use these verbs
try to read i can not focus
try to look it won’t adhere
i hate your face and what you pull
you know all of my f_cking fears
you garbage piece of f_cking sh_t
i can’t believe i trusted you
if i see his face in public
swear his face will d_mn meet my shoe
i’m all alone they don’t know how i feel
i pray i don’t crack last second though
when i was younger i loved this world
now i’m older i fear it goes
now i’m older i’m just a fraction
this has not been f_cking fun
at least i feel a little normal
but i’m stuck in a f_cking hole
where the f_ck is blue
probably f_cked up off his hate
where the f_ck is b where’s bray
he’s f_cked up off the wae
prolly f_cked up on the a
or prolly f_cked up about the a
i remember i saw a
i just wanna give a tase
god but a_b she was great
she was demon i could swear
she ruined my whole d_mn life
f_ck her face just f_ck her face
record it f_ck her face
save for lae
just save for lae
either i lie to myself or this is my way
to gain full control and rule my ways
i set some rules you follow me
i used to be a king that way
but today i’m a peasant i guess
why not f_cking find my way
fine i guess i’ll find my way
delete the pictures from yesterday
start fresh if it is today
stop going back to those thoughts that take you away from me
i learned how to ignore thoughts
please just keep my judgment strong
otherwise i might just fall apart
delusions making me think so wrong
will i be punished for living a lie
telling a lie
who f_cking knows
god must love me i’m sure he knows
i bet he knows when i die i’ll know
please don’t go
i miss her please
i don’t want to lose my mom
don’t want to lose my family
but i can’t feel a single thing
trauma engulfing all me
i know you’re hurt don’t follow me
because i won’t help you anything
i’ll use you then i’ll tell you to leave
but maybe you can stay with me
make sure it works properly
it wil come if you beleive
then you can swalllow my f_cking seeed
i ask blue ‘what’s happening to me’
“i dont know bro i’m still high on weed’
“blue what the f_ck is happening to meeee’
“bro are you okay what do you need youre scaring me’
i do this all the f_cking time
so i guess this is what i deserve this time
because everyone i loved i pushed them away and they know above
you showed me nothing but love
i went and messed it up
i wanted to watch you cut
i wanted to see you… uhghh
im learning everyghing wrong
i swear this weekend is too long
i’ve been listening for like 3 hours and i still can;t hear this melody
they stare and then shake their heads at me
either my heart dies or i get up and burn _ you
maybe i should drink some water
im f_cking frothing at the mouth
don’t turn the f_cking light off
i don’t know why just don’t turn it off
i need the light inside my life
so many painful thoughts in my head
so i can’t put them in a song
it would be admirable if i could
i wasted time on this dumb b_tch
so i don’t deserve any recoginiion
i worked my life and when it counted i f_cked it up
i just have to return now i guess
cuz im like only 16 or sh_t
but i might be 17
hahah i like lying you b_tch
cuz im truamatized and sh_t
mever open up im p_ssed
don’t think i want you hurt
i want to see you covered in my p_ss
put my d_ck an inch away
from your arm
soak your shirt
with my cum
throb and throb
in your arm
thrust and thrust
in your armmmm
look down to me
i want to feel
look up to me
i’ll run awayyyy
i swear there’s something wrong with me
try to fix it
but the thought doesn’t really f_ck it does ithuh
i want to be on f_cking drugs
but i’m not even on f_cking drugs
violate my f_cking brain
adderall in my f_cking veins
this generation must be doomed
the answer isn’t coming any day
who knows maybe it is heyyy
maybe it is okay okay
i’m too impatient to finish anything that i make
satan satan satan satan
stay the f_ck away
satan stay away from may
but come heregive me some energy
it’s an accident okay
don’t playwith demons they don’t play
she don’t play
i was on the bench she f_cked her way on top of mayy
i think i was f_cking raped
i can not remember anyway
i hate myself so much
but this money really makes me love me
i love being in the mall
i think i tell myself it too much
i went from all in all in one
to floating to the f_ckign sun
you see me i;m scattered everywhere
my head is scattered everywhere
look at my room for one second
that is my head so there you goa
i might be schizo i don’t know
i really have no f_cking clue
holy sh_t i f_cked my head on pills
i can’t believe that’s what i do
i need this help i need this help
what is my problem help
f_ckk f_ckk f_ckk rhyming
i’m going to go beat my f_cking life outttt
and cum all on the counters
fantasize my whole night
of a place with you and me
and a time we go out at night
a new one not the f_cking old
new hoe not old hoe
not a hoe let’s f_cking get married
yes i know i know i know
let’s have a family tomorrow
with all our friends and who we love
i try to feel f_cking love
i can not feel no f_cking love
god if youre listening i think
i just did a ritual
i f_cking hate rituals
don’t k!ll me for doing rituals
i’m ocd i label that
i’m not your average f_cking f_ggot
cuz your average f_cking f_ggot acts like everyone and likes it
i would rather be f_cking different
k!ll me if i feel indifferent
stop talking my ear off b_tch
i don’t give a f_ck about your opinions
i want to bleed on the cement
only if it’s white pavement
outside of the f_cking right aid
with the hero_in addicts
that’s the path i’m headed in
do my dreams mean nothing then
i’m not anymore a kid
play video games make it last still
i wanna f_ck you good
but your boyfriend is with you
he is not nice to himself
he does not deserve you
everyone is strugglan
so maybe we’re work in proress
bexey said that about him
i like bexey so much man
jesus he’s like magic man
people comfort me i guess
but i meet a lot of strangers
i just want to toy with them
but i’m fair so let’s take turns
i like to hear your heart beat burn
put your heart up to my ear
feel it beat right through your chest
feel it on my ear that’s best
tits are warm i want them yess
s_x s_x s_x s_x s_x s_x s_x
see you naked in my bed
i’m a perv there’s no patching that
i’m a perv f_ck hiding that
i’m disordered like demons man
god won;t forgive you if it’s that
i was stuck in my delusions then
if i told you howi felt
would you still f_cking lvoe me then
no body ever wanna love me because i’m f_cking evil man
im too paranoid to eat candy
but you know im the candy man
i got acid he got xan
so come on come buy it then
come drown me in money come drown me in violence
so i feel love and forget about it
i’m restless can’t stop moving man
i feel no inspiration then
i’m disordered cuz i tried it once
i got even crazier man
don’t make an example out of me
sh_t that reoccurs in my head
i want your tits inside my mouth
ughh wait you have a family then…
if i was talking like this
around them around them
what would they think of me i guess
i guess i’m f_cking crazy then
i lost my sk!lls i lose it then
so what i make it back again
i stay strong i guess that’s what i know
more people should i know tht ilove them
i wanna kiss come kiss again
tennis court come kiss again
was with her it was 10
she took my lips but we were friends
we were just friends
she was just friends
i met her then
i had no friends
i took her heart i broke it then
what were we thinking we were younger then …
i’m disgusting then
my mom was disgusted too
my mom knew i knew she knew
i knew she did to you
i was a king you wanted to be my queen
you were no queen i was no king
i live in a world of imagination
promsie you’ll feel it if you come with me
but a_b she set fire to me
along with my whole kingdom i suppose
so what it’s admirable if built again
yeah but everything’s already there though right
maybe not maybe i just found an answer
but to burn the rest down i couldn’t even f_cking figure
maybe patch the rest i guess
i guess that will make it less a mess
a designated place to rest
if it’s not there it won’t be met
im so sleepy yet im so energetic
why am i awake when it’s night again
maybe i push and push and y brai n turns on
and the next day i’m f_cking exhausted
f_ck writing wrods i’m done wth this
f_cking being alone i’m done with this
just give me time i’ll fix myself
just give me time i’ll fix, fix m_myslef
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