kunt and the gang - karen's got talent lyrics
craig: make us a f__kin brew will you? kettle’s just boiled
karen: aye, i’m gonna sit down with a cuppa and watch jeremy
d’you want a viscount with it?
craig: aye
karen: orange or mint?
craig: (pause) orange…er…no, mint…no, orange…oh f__k it
can i have one of each?
karen: f__kin ‘ell, he’s a man who knows what he wants!
craig: f__k off. and stick an extra spoonful of sugar in me tea, it
always tastes like there’s no f__kin sugar in it after you’ve
had a choccy biccie
karen: owt else me lord? d’you want your tea served up in a
china cup and saucer? or maybe sir wants his biscuits on
a little silver plate with a f__kin doyley on it?
craig: to be honest, in this house i’d be grateful for a cuppa that
doesn’t taste like it’s been sieved through the gusset of
your shreddies
karen: keep that up you fishy f__k and i’ll chuck this tea straight
over your cod and pollocks
craig: ta
karen: look at that for timing
karen: i f__kin love jeremy kyle. (pause)
how good would it be to be on jeremy kyle? (pause)
i should’ve gone on there and done the dna test when i
didn’t know who shannon’s dad were. it would’ve been
brilliant. there’d have been leon and that other bloke
what was his f_ckin name? the one with a hare lip and
b.o. who worked up the chippy. oh, i dunno. they’d
have been sat there sh_tting themselves with jeremy
going, (adopts jeremy’s angry mockney
accent)
“one of you two’s gonna have to step up to the plate and
be a dad to this kid. anyone can be a sperm donor but it
takes a real man to be a dad.”
i’d f__kin love to be on there. i’d get mich_lle to give us a
makeover and do me hair. i’d look f__kin lush, don’t you
reckon?
craig: …mmm
karen: i’d get a new pair of reeboks and everything. i can just
see me, with tears running down me cheeks going
“jeremy, they took advantage of me when i were drunk. i
feel so used. they just f__ked me and f__ked off.” then
i’d tell him i were bipolar or something so he didn’t have a
go at me. he’d turn round and go to them, (adopts
jeremy’s angry mockney accent again)
“you should’ve kept it in your trousers mate. either that or
put something on the end of it”
i can imagine it now, everyone on the estate going
‘karen, i saw you on jeremy kyle, you looked lush.’
9
i’d probably have to sign autographs in the post office
queue while i were picking up the benefits, wouldn’t i?
craig: …mmm
karen: i’d f__kin love to be famous. can you imagine? going on
gmtv and meeting ben shephard. on this morning with
eamon holmes asking us questions about stuff. it’d be
f__kin brilliant. when that c_nt from social services
comes round to check we’re not stubbing out tabs on the
kids i’d just open the letter box and go, “f__k off mate, i
can’t have you in today, i’m too f_ckin famous.” and you’d
get loads of free stuff, you know clothes and stuff, cos
you’re famous and everyone wants to have their stuff
associated with you. i’d have me own perfume…
craig: yeah… karen matthews’ ‘sn_tch’
karen: and you’d go down the pub and everyone would want to
buy you a drink. it be f__kin great. you could get
leathered every night and it wouldn’t cost you a f__kin
bean cos everyone would just want you sat there, telling
anecdotes about all the celebrities you’ve met. jordan
peter andre. chantelle. davina. john leslie. it’d be
f__kin fantastic
craig: give it a f__kin rest will yer. no_one round here’s gonna
be famous, karen, least of all you
karen: what do you f__kin know? i might be
craig: no you f__kin won’t! what are you gonna be famous for?
you can’t f__kin do anything
karen: (pause) yes i f__kin can
craig: well you can f_nny fart but i don’t think that’s gonna win
you britain’s got talent, do you?
h_llo, my name’s karen. (makes big raspberry
sound)
cut to amanda holden crying while piers morgan tries to
pick little croutons of f_nnybatter out her hair
karen: you can’t stand me having a dream can you?
craig: i don’t f__kin care, you can dream all you like. all’s i’m
saying is you’re f__kin wasting your time with all this
celebrity b_ll_cks. it’s not real life. real life’s not a f__kin
tv studio with everyone sat round pretending to laugh at
penny smith’s sh_tty jokes. real life is that, outside the
window. that f__kin rusty pram frame in the garden
that’s real life. the exercise bike sticking out of that skip
that’s real life. that f__kin dog t_rd with a f_g b_tt
stubbed out in it. that’s real life. real life’s not a bunch of
f__kin washed up ex_celebrities in the middle of nowhere
eating kangaroo c_cks and being commentated on by ant
and dec
karen: well i had that reading at the fair that said i were gonna
be famous. so don’t come crying to me when i make it
and i’m drinking down the groucho club with alison
moyet and michael barrymore and you’re still stuck here
with all the other c_nts on the estate
craig: f__kin bound to happen…
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