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konstantinos kourentzes - my precious gems كلمات أغنية

a drow priestess with tits like moon goddesses appeared!
asked for “help” while fondling her whip—i should’ve feared!
she leaned in close, smelled like darkness and sin!
now my gems are gone and i’ve got a suspicious rash on my chin!

she whispered sweetly_ “show me your stones_”
he thought she meant_ geology_

she did mean geology! …right?! oh f_ck, did she?!

the drow priestess stole my gems!
(and possibly fingered my assh0l_ while i slept!)

my seventeen perfect rubies!
(i woke up sticky! that’s not sweat!)

she had eight legs—wait, no—eight fingers!
(or was it a spider?! the memory lingers!)

perhaps you’re just_ a h_rny fool_
who hid your gems_ while fantasizing by the pool_

she asked if i lived alone! classic seduction tactic!
then touched my beard and called it “adequate”—i got f_cking erratic!
i showed her my gem collection! (stupid! stupid!)
she stroked a ruby slowly—i think i came! (wait, is that connected?!)
the facts:
her cleavage defied physics! (magical push_up bra!)
she l!cked her lips seventeen times! (i counted!)
she asked to see my “deepest shaft”—i thought she meant the mine!
did we f_ck?! i can’t remember!
my pants were inside_out the next morning!
inside. out

oh foolish dwarf_ with gem obsession_
perhaps you had_ a wet confession_
your rubies sleep_ where you left them_
in your “special sock”_ the one with questionable phlegm_

i’ve checked my bedroom! (she was definitely here!)
found black lace! (or is it a cobweb?! unclear!)
my bed smells like… exotic spices!
(or mildew… f_ck… when did i last clean my mattress?!)

she touched your shoulder_ you nearly fainted_
your beard got hard_ (is that how beards work? complicated_)

the drow priestess stole my gems!
(or did i hide them in my r_ct_m for “safekeeping”?!)

she had a whip and leather boots!
(my safe word was “sapphire”—why do i remember that?!)
i think she tied me up with spider silk!
(or were those my own bedsheets?! i’m drinking milk!)

my ass hurts! that’s evidence!
(or hemorrhoids… i’m fifty_seven…)

my therapist says i’m “projecting s_xual frustration”!
but what does he know?! he’s an elf! knife_eared quack!
i found a hair! it’s white! drow confirmation!
(wait… that’s from my own ass crack…)

evidence suggests:
_ possible intercourse (or really good dream)
_ seventeen rubies gone (or in the cookie jar where drunk_me hides them)
_ mysterious wetness on pillow (drool or… worse?!)
_ she called me “handsome” (n0body does that! mind control!)
_ i have a tattoo now that says “lolth’s b_tch”
(actually it says “mom” but the font is suspicious!)

the priestess was_ a prostitute_
named “brandy” from_ the tavern_
you paid her_ fifty gold_
to cosplay_ from your cavern_

what?! no! that can’t be—
wait… brandy does have dark hair…
and i _was_ at the tavern…
and there _was_ a costume sale…
f_ck! the gems are in the nightstand!
so… i paid someone to steal my own gems…
while possibly… engaging in… light bondage…
and then… forgot… all of it…

the rubies are_ where they’ve always been_
in your special box_ of shame_
next to your_ ill_strated books_
of “drow anatomy”_ (for shame_)

…i should call brandy again…
she really sold the part…
and i still can’t find three of the rubies…

maybe she does have them…

round two?

- konstantinos kourentzes

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