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engy essam - phobos كلمات الأغنية

i miss you, it’s been months and it’s all the same
i keep thinking youll fade away from my mind
one more day
i say
like i don’t know any better than to hope
one more month
i lie
like i’ll ever forget the kindness of your eyes
i have something to tell you:
i’ve been putting aside your messages, my love
your voice a destroying force to what’s left of my sanity
my love
i have constructed a reality where we have not parted
i stay inside all day in your arms
wake up to love you like my death is overdue
sleep to dream of pouring my love into you
toss and turn to fall into a world where i can hold you without scratching you with my edges
a world where i can tell you what i mean
eloquently this time
without stuttering and spouting bad metaphors
my love
i’m all heart and no strength
if i was brave, i would’ve been able to split my chest open and lay it bare
i would’ve been able to say:
here
here is my heart and all its contents
an artillery of all the things you said that remind me how lucky i am to be human
a myriad of moments that pumps through me to keep me alive
here
listen closely, it isn’t burdened by my fear now
here’s everything i wanted to scream out as you were leaving
i would’ve written it all to you
if i didn’t think you’re happier off
if i wasn’t myself
i would’ve yelled out what i mean
loved you breathless
like my bones keep screaming at me to
my god, i think i was made to love you
and i’ve known it for a while now
hey, i have a painting to show you
it’s a person that is staring at the sunset, absolutely in awe
but they despise themselves for bathing in its warmth
hey, i have this story to tell you
i think i mentioned it before
it’s the one with the girl that’s afraid to be her mum, who held on to love too long she mutilated it
remember
the one that’s terrified of becoming her dad, who was too rigid in the face of love he broke it
hey, i’m looking for an excuse to talk
a year is too little for you
is it okay to admit that i don’t wanna get over you?
hey, i have a lot to say
like that i dreamt i was in a room full of people, somebody asked me who my true love is and i pointed at you;
i woke up and realized my biggest fear is that i’m gonna keep my promise of loving you forever
i have so much to say
like that i have to constantly wipe your name off of my lips
i have to remind myself not to speak of my true love
like a badge of honor i must shelter
what a paradox it’s been to love you
i see your face in my best friend’s kindness
in the creases of her smile
in the sp_ce between her hand and my heart
i love you like an expat arab child loves their homeland; endlessly and without reason
every day it’s getting harder, how can i even begin to express it
you are everything unfathomable in this universe, in the best way possible
at your best, you are love
what more could i say?
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, you’re my best friend, i miss you
i know i seem cold but
look at me now
i am sentimental and romantic
everything i tell myself i ought not to be
i cannot bear to sit on love any longer
so tell me, how much longer will i live without you?
how much longer must i hide you
beneath my secrets and my thoughts
between the crevices of my brain
how much longer must you rest
in my back pocket
like a wrapper i am way too anxious to rid myself of
how much longer do i have to bear this
the constant limping around my truth
my god would i love to love you
loudly
without flinching at the creek of a floorboard
or a laugh outside our door
it feels like i am running towards a future i am dreading
come back, how much longer must i take this?
life is tasteless without you, and i lied, a year doesn’t seem like enough to forget you

- engy essam

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