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covina vance - 10 years (demo) lyrics
act one: vacations
have you ever tasted a gun? …
well i have
on many occasions
i would take mini vacations
to an abandoned building
i’d seen one time passing by
sometimes i’d sit for hours;
sometimes for minutes
i’d hold the loaded pistol sideways
to split my mouth horizontally
and at some amount of time
i fell in line with the thought of death
let me tell you
it’s amazing how deep
your thoughts can go
when you have a gun
at the back of your throat
asking yourself questions like:
when did i become someone_
i don’t even know?
and why when i get high_
i sink and never float!
and that pistol …
it told me secrets …
it whispered silence_
like only a friend could, and
it promised to k!ll my problems of
being misunderstood
yet something in the air …
told me …
that my pistol was a liar
act two: valleys
this skin feels to tight
and right now it’s suffocatin
i can’t listen when things
never lay the way i envision;
because my mountains look to tall
and my valleys seem to deep_
so most of my days
i lay horizontal
lying under sheets
living life within my head …
so you know i rarely sleep
mind constantly roaming
it’s never to late to think …
or sink_
blinked i almost missed it
saw a shrink and yes he listened
yes i know that’s his profession …
but he’s a stranger with little interest
it wasn’t long before i learned that_
a smile is the best disguise for depression
it’s the long sleeve shirt for cut wrists
i once cut my wrist because most nights
i don’t feel comfortable in my own skin;
as if the collection of atoms
suffocating my soul
wasn’t meant to cage me in
maybe i’ll be a “someone” someday
even though my veins don’t contain
the essential quintessentials
meant to play this game
i checked and double checked;
making marks on my arms
because my flesh is my jar and
it’s where i keep my insecurities hidden
but if i show you, you, you gotta promise you won’t judge my skeleton
act three: napalm
excuse me if this is a little too heavy
i’d just like to impose my super imposition
of super normal people like us making livins
we don’t have it all but we use what we’ve been given
and i can’t make sense of these feelings i been feelin
like suicidal thoughts that fight to make collisions
with a young man’s life desperate for decisions
at night i try to wrap my mind around reality
grappling with my sanity
as time slips through my finger tips
and all i can hold is a fantasy
of being understood
a little more than the places we’ve never stood
most times though i’m just misunderstood
i feel depressed and out of place
so i try to prescribe my own medication;
good music
a good substitute for no vacation
and it helps keep my hand from making rushed lacerations
mixed emotions and to many infatuations
chasing
don’t know what’s waiting but i’ll run
til this heart of mine is done
pumpin
dreams to a child’s mind
young
gone
and blind
cracks in the pavement swallow
my tears
self ingested fears
i’m surrounded and secluded
sane and deluded
bone infused with
cheap thoughts and tears
weak arms and napalm
i’d set my world on fire
but i love living in fictitious
solitude
young
lone
and confused
deluged skin
breathing sin
deep breath
exhale the flares
distressed
and impaired
compressed
normal wear and tear
smell the air
nostalgia
molotov c_cktails
explosions at sunset
laughter and these tears
my shirts soaking wet
here’s my mask
to conceal what’s left
…or what left
like these emotions running down my face
still feeling out of place
a stranger at home
stuck within my mind
steadily running from
… myself …
because sometimes the next best thing
brings a world of stress
and its always a test
so my first best guess
is to paint someone better
than the person behind my chest
don’t get me wrong
i am being myself
it’s just the me without the me_ss
i paint the double “s”
with invisible ink
to hide the rest
of what’s attached to me
act four: tsunamis
this poem is for all those who have fallen but who made it
this is for all my friends who paved a way for the son’s rays to meet the concave surface i knew as the hole in my chest
this is for the girl who never thought she captured elegance
this is for all the addicts who were and are searching for their recompense
this is for the all those who have circled suicide like it was the correct answer
this poem is for the broken
the depressed
the suicidal boy who is ready to take his life but hopes someone out there will understand his silence
this poem is for the abused
the misused
the confused
and the victims of excused violence
please friend
do not hold your silence
breath in
palm your scars
hold their lessons
yet never let them stifle your growth
breath out
release insecuritie’s insanity
become an apprentice of past mistakes
ascertain a diamond of wisdom
from the coal of calamity
find beauty in the wreckage
and find yourself adorned with gems
forged in the caves you once called home
step into the light
and see how refined tragedy shines
smile
remember the pain
remember their words
but don’t ever let it weigh you down
stand in triumph over insecurities
climb over past mistakes
collapse your fears
like origami
and realize something beautiful!
you are a tsunami of gradation
meant to collide
like rolling tides
on the shores of age old
strongholds
torrent warrior
is what you are
known not for your flesh and bone frame
but for the courage
that flows through your veins
you, my friend, are brave
conquering today
with the strength of tomorrow’s promised victory
found only in the king
and don’t be ashamed
to seek the help you need!
whether that’s a therapist
a conversation with a friend
or psychiatry
cause i know you feel like a lonely tree
surrounded by an ocean of emotions
but you’re not the only one
and that alone makes us a forest
a family
firm and unmoving
resiliently resisting any and all attempts of uprooting
and as we band together
with interlaced roots and hands
remember
1. you are not alone
2. you are more than flesh and bone
3. you are home
to a host of brilliant things
and when tsunamis rush our shores
we will stand strong
oh my dear friend
we will stand strong
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